Dear Digestive Tract,

I am writing this letter in response to the recent unwanted activity that has been going on 'down there.' Please do not mistake this for a friendly letter; far from it. As you have ignored my recent attempts to resolve this issue in a friendly manner, a non-friendly method was my last recourse.

As you know, in years past I have been pleased and even proud at times that you have the strength and the willpower that you do. Your sheer determination to 'power through' any intestinal illness has allowed our body to evade even the most powerful stomach flu's that circulate through my office thus enabling me to use my days off for much more important things like festivals and vacations. You have also afforded me with many hours of conversation discussing your 'no vomit' policy and the absence of your gag reflex always invites further probing and parlor tricks.

While determination and willpower are admirable traits, there is such a thing as 'too much of a good thing.' I am writing this letter today to inform you that I believe your determination has turned into stubborn adherence to policy, and your willpower is little more than a failure to adapt to circumstances at hand. Throwing up is not a pleasant option, but it is an option nonetheless, one that I feel you have ignored in the face of your stubborn pride. Had you made the choice to throw up at the beginning of this ordeal, the rest of our body would not be in the prolonged pain that it is in--and has been in for three days. I feel that with your thirty years of experience, when faced with the impending conflict, you have the proper knowledge to gauge what we can and can not handle as a body. I feel that by making the decision to disengage the vomit reflex, you have endangered our way of life as a whole being, and I am disinclined to leave future decisions of this importance up to your discretion.

I realize that at this point, little can be done retroactively to diffuse the situation. But I expect that you will do everything within your power to remedy this situation as quickly and painlessly as possible, with minimal effect on other bodily systems and organs. I also expect that you will learn from this mistake you have made, and be willing to consider other options more carefully in the future.

Sincerely,
-Me

I was in HEELS

Anyone that knows me, knows that my number one, all time, biggest pet peeve of death is when people leave shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot.

ESPECIALLY when the cart corral is mere feet away. Before I proceed, a couple of little known facts about shopping carts:

1) On average, shopping carts weigh about 40 lbs.

2) Shopping carts cost anywhere from $100 to $200, plastic or metal.

3) Store managers claim a staggering $8,000 to $10,000 loss a year in shopping cart theft or damage.

4) Even if you watched someone deliberately roll a shopping cart into your car, it's nearly impossible to receive compensation for the damages.

With that said:

I went a shopping today, feeling good about the nice weather, found a lovely spot right up front, and was in and out with what I needed in no time. As I walked toward my car I noticed a rather large woman and her rather large teenage daughter sauntering to their car which was parked kiddie-corner to mine. Their cart contained one, maybe two bags of groceries--certainly making good use of the cart which can hold up to 95,000 cubit inches of goods. The daughter pulled the bags out of the cart, and the woman tucked the cart right up next to my bumper. Because if it's already TOUCHING my car, it can't possible crash into it, right?

She and her daughter had climbed themselves into their car by the time I reached the scene. I put my one bag of groceries--for which I did NOT need a cart--in my car, slammed my door, and walked THEIR cart the 20 FEET to the cart corral. Literally. All the while, the two of them sat in their car enjoying some sort of overly preserved food item that couldn't possibly wait for them to leave the parking lot, LET ALONE for them to put the cart away.

I ask you, what kind of world do we live in where we would add 40lbs to our load just so we don't have carry two bags? What kind of world do we live in where on a sunny day, with no obstacles in our path but another 20 feet, do we opt to potentially endanger someone else's property--both mine and the store's--rather than return a blasted shopping cart to its proper place? And why, in the name of all that is good and holy in this world, is it my responsibility to clean up after you? I don't care that you are tired. I don't care that you are overweight. I don't care that your knees are bad or that your back hurts or that you're really excited to eat your Little Debbie Cakesters. I don't care that your daughter's future is just as bleak as your own, forged out of the decisions you've damned yourself with. I was in heels! And somehow I dug deep down inside myself and found the courage and strength to walk twenty more feet than I was planning on, pushing 40 more pounds than I had intended to, to return a 120 dollar cart that I DIDN'T USE.

AND I had a Reese's Peanut Butter cup waiting for me in the car.

-Me

I heart honest advertising

-Me

Mission Statment

So apparently, this blogging fad is going to stick around for longer than I expected. My silent rebellion to keep my face-to-face friendships offline has been squashed by the technological tsunami that is social networking. And if you can't beat 'em, you gotta at least keep up with them. But if this is what it takes, I'm going to do it my way.

Reasons I Have Avoided Blogging:

1) Fragmentation of Friendships: Many will argue that blogging lets you develop stronger friendships with people you don't see often. I disagree. I feel that blogging all of my feelings into cyberspace creates an easy out for people to NOT develop stronger friendships with me. If all I have to do to catch up with someone is read their daily blog, what motivates me to talk to them in person? And what's worse, when I do talk to them in person, what will we have to talk about? I get what I need out of a friendship online and I don't have to give anything back. That's not a friendship.

2) Illusion of Importance: I am not the center of the universe. You are not the center of the universe. No matter how many followers a blog obtains, the writer is just a person spilling their thoughts onto a keyboard. More than once, I've had conversations with friends that were offended that I had not read their blog. Nevermind that I was one of three out of their five hundred Facebook friends that attended their baby shower.

3) Failure to Dig Further: This goes hand in hand with the assumption that 'everyone has read my blog, so there's no need to elaborate in person.' More than likely, I haven't read your blog. I require the details.

4) Intonation is Lost: For me, the Facebook friends I stalk are not real people. There's a disconnect when I learn about a life from a computer rather than a face. I love reading a person's face. Even talking on the phone offers a certain sense of detachment. I often forget the words that people say because what strike chords with me are the tones they use while speaking. Facial expressions, body language, vulnerability, distractions, listening skills, all of these things tell me more about a person than the words they choose to use ever will.

In an attempt to avoid becoming what I dislike, I have established a mission statement for myself. (I like structure, challenges, rules, regulations; I feel they inspire rather than inhibit creativity.)

MISSION STATMENT

This blog is intended to provide an overflow station for the many ramblings and thoughts that run laps around my brain. My thoughts are not meant to offend. My opinions will rarely be solidified. I may say 'soda speak' and mean 'so to speak' or vice versa.


-I pledge to never base my self worth on the number of followers accumulated on this blog.

-I pledge to use punctuation, proper grammar, and correct spelling so far as my knowledge of the English language permits me.

-I pledge to make up words to fit my thoughts, not the other way around.

-I pledge to use metaphors and analogies that will provide line drawings of my thoughts, not complete pictures. Those who wish to color inside the lines are welcome to it. Those who wish to color outside the lines are invaluably appreciated.

-I pledge to express opinions because they are mine, not because they are popular.

-I pledge to change my opinions when sufficient logic is presented against them.

-I pledge to quote and reference 'Arrested Development', 'Serenity/Firefly', 'Oscar', and 'Back to the Beach' on a regular basis. I can't promise that 'Pushing Daisies', 'Mystery Men', 'Zorro the Gay Blade' won't sneak in as well.

On this, the 19th day of May, 2010, I hereby declare this blog PUBLISHED. Let the great experiment begin!

-Me