Dear Digestive Tract,

I am writing this letter in response to the recent unwanted activity that has been going on 'down there.' Please do not mistake this for a friendly letter; far from it. As you have ignored my recent attempts to resolve this issue in a friendly manner, a non-friendly method was my last recourse.

As you know, in years past I have been pleased and even proud at times that you have the strength and the willpower that you do. Your sheer determination to 'power through' any intestinal illness has allowed our body to evade even the most powerful stomach flu's that circulate through my office thus enabling me to use my days off for much more important things like festivals and vacations. You have also afforded me with many hours of conversation discussing your 'no vomit' policy and the absence of your gag reflex always invites further probing and parlor tricks.

While determination and willpower are admirable traits, there is such a thing as 'too much of a good thing.' I am writing this letter today to inform you that I believe your determination has turned into stubborn adherence to policy, and your willpower is little more than a failure to adapt to circumstances at hand. Throwing up is not a pleasant option, but it is an option nonetheless, one that I feel you have ignored in the face of your stubborn pride. Had you made the choice to throw up at the beginning of this ordeal, the rest of our body would not be in the prolonged pain that it is in--and has been in for three days. I feel that with your thirty years of experience, when faced with the impending conflict, you have the proper knowledge to gauge what we can and can not handle as a body. I feel that by making the decision to disengage the vomit reflex, you have endangered our way of life as a whole being, and I am disinclined to leave future decisions of this importance up to your discretion.

I realize that at this point, little can be done retroactively to diffuse the situation. But I expect that you will do everything within your power to remedy this situation as quickly and painlessly as possible, with minimal effect on other bodily systems and organs. I also expect that you will learn from this mistake you have made, and be willing to consider other options more carefully in the future.

Sincerely,
-Me